Holding…

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I wonder when is a decent time to leave someone alone versus trying not to give up on them. You know they can change but are they willing to change for you? The talk of, I’m not going to change overnight, I’m sorry and or I can’t let us end because of me like this.
I’ve been screaming and crying desperately, a lil nagging on why I’m not happy, what needed to change and how we could achieve those thangs. I was upfront and candid since the very first day of what I wanted. You jumped on board with no hesitation. So I assumed you were for it but deep down inside you wanted to run away. You became uncertain but kept tugging on my heart strings. Telling me lies so I’d corporate and compromise within this disguise.
Words that I honestly love to hear but understand that those words weren’t genuine. I try and cope and listen then bend my mind to the belief that they could possibly change. For me. Because I’m who they see as their forever love only to shatter that thought with tears of frustration because I was living in fantasy land.
Ones thoughts driving me insane. Causing problems and disarray. A mess of things starting to unravel. Because hunni, communication is really a thing. Believing that maybe I am just something like your trophy piece. Visibly beautiful yet on the inside I bleed. The rods of comfort are my Band-Aid bringing relief.
Not letting go seems to hurt more but the thought of leaving you is nowhere within this view. I can’t keep fighting this alone but I am not a quitter and imma keep fighting until this drains everything from me. Knowingly, I plea.
Literally left with nothing, I search the hidden black rooms within my heart. I was crazy over you but you didn’t see the spark in my eyes every glance I looked at you. Now I’m blinded by what warmth feels like and I’m soaring lower than before. Once I stood on a throne but that was broken down, the moment I stayed knowing it was time for me to leave.
Listening to soft jazz, remembering all the good memories, yes I have faith and walking away doesn’t seem to be an option. But my hands are bruised and turning blue from holding to what feel like chains cutting off my circulation. I know it’s a must so I’ll count to three and fall off the cliff. Dropping in my own ocean of tears, I will still float because my body and mind will not let me drown in my own misery.
Soaking and thinking. Remembering, imma be good eventually. Just gotta swim and let the waves take over me. Releasing all negativity. Reborn and clean, so much lighter and mark free.
I am me.

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