Four Year Old Me

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You were so innocent and I apologize that I didn’t stop what was happening between you and him. I could have told someone but what harm was being done?
No penetration just sweet touches from the tip of your head and all through your hair to the bottom on your derriere.
The attention was different because it was only you and him. You adored him so much because the feelings that he gave you were different than anyone else. The words of I love you and embracing his manly smell.
I just wish you weren’t so naive but here we are, nonchalant over a man’s touch in present day. The flares that started your interest in the human bodies. Knowing exactly what certain things looked like, drawing them so detailed, you’d get suspended from school. (You could have been a doctor in the making)
I am sorry, I wasn’t there to hold you on nights when your mom wasn’t there, so you confided in him. I was truly unaware of the damage that was being created that would explode in your early twenties when shit just clicks and you’re now fully aware.
Conscious now, but back then you felt safe and loved him because he made sure to keep you coveted by his handsome smile, sweet verbal things and candies in the darkened times. All the girls wanted him but he wanted you. Smiles of contentment as he played in your hair showing you off to the other girls.
Sometimes asking him not to leave when he enters your room in the middle of the night. All you wanted was company because at the tender age of four, you were sad and over sleeping alone. Despite the fact that you were oblivious to his intentions of his groping shenanigans.
Smile as you learned some things that no one else could have taught you, making sex as an adult a heartless and emotionless thing. I am so sorry, I let the your innocent feelings get the best of me because this has affected you and don’t even care because your happy in your undisclosed sneaky abyss of misbelief.
Adoring someone and understanding at some point that what was going on shouldn’t be. Whelp, at least you were made to believe it was all top secret so everything became a mystery. Never knowing but certainly knowing you felt real love in his presence which gave you peace.
I am here for all questions, I just hope you know all that was a mishap. Even asking for an apology, but those remarks were rude. So no point in trying to drive down that avenue.
Telling someone who you felt would make an uproar and let it be known but because you are an adult now, nothing was said. The conversation skipped a beat leaving something seriously heavy mixing in the heat. Emotions left to simmer skin deep.
Questioning everything thus far, trying not to hold onto people who hurt you the most, but it is all you know. They seem to be the only ones who know how to comfort your broken soul. Even when it’s their fault, you still want them there.
🖤Let’s try and break this hold🖤
Because four year old me, I love you, one hundred percent purely in love with you. I will hold your hand and dry your tears so you can let them fall as you need once you realize the truth in the lies. I am you and you are me. Even though we are in two different places, I will love you harder than before because I know we can get through this.
Just have faith little one and understand, self-love comes from within, don’t go seeking it from others. I got you, no matter how hard it may seem. I am you meaning self love is key.
You were never alone💋
just misguided and neglected emotionally 

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