The clutch that was once adoring and desired is now bursting with fear and hurt. Wounded by the style of life that once had me content. Demolished my internal peace, something I never seen approaching. Shouting your name was such a tease, now I can’t even place it at the tip of my tongue and it is nowhere within my speech. Fumbling through my mind frame misplacing all methods of control. Back to that one night that was hypothetically supposed to just be a role ended with a quick hold. Supposed to be just friends went far beyond the usual kinks and have led me astray. Losing yourself completely lost me. The black room filled with heavy breathing, and an object entering my peace, destroying me. Physically and mentally. Visions of previous attempts. Childhood memories flooding my tears that I buried within the pillow while you enjoyed the ride. I just laid there, helpless, not able to form words but screams of cry’s that were told to cease and soundlessly I tried. I strained to move but couldn’t because my body had given up mentally. I was extremely confused. Destroyed by self-destruction that lead from you. Tears I refuse to let fall because I feel I could have prevented this all. The moment I said hi, at times I wish I hadn’t. Good feelings of being touched are no more and cuddling seems so distant. Mind fucked into being crazy with false emotions of lust broken down to a title of the unknown in the midst of adoration. I didn’t deserve that. I am blind to what like feels like, let alone, trying to love another. Emotions buried deep and carrying on as if I am alright. The burns that are deep within me let out steam, but just not for the naked eye. My aura is no longer bright as my light has dimmed and I am trying my hardest not to let it go completely out. The only problem that I am stuck with is whom can I run to when we share the same circle? Who do I tell that someone subsequently close to me ransacked abruptly possessing emotions that now have me screwed and torn away from society? So now I’m just simply uttering implications conferring imperfections directly every day. Hoping I don’t let go.
….if you or anyone can understand and feel or have felt the way above. Dont hesitate to contact any of the sites listed. It hurts to imagine something so tragic but, it does happen and we are forced to heal and carry on with our lives. But how when the images replay over and over as if it just happened. Giving us panic attacks and anxiety. Only to be touched and secretly wish you were dying. Giving me visions of previous situations that no-one could possibly understand. My tragedy that I keep secret and no venting because I could only imagine. The backlash of not understanding making me the person receiving the statement of
well you shouldn’t have done it. that’s why you shouldn’t play with fire.
No peace, just me with my thoughts of misinterpretation from those around me. I didn’t experience something. I lived an experience that forever changed me. My mindset, how I allow people to touch me and my inner peace. I am at war with myself and everyday it’s a struggle not to give up. Upon other things. No this isn’t a cry for help because I intend on staying here on this Earth until the universe claims my energy. Listen to my heart beat as I’m trying to explain what goes on in my crazy mixed up membrane.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline